150 ThINgS ABouT CrAIg
2) I have been “diagnosed” with food poisoning on more than 10 occasions for which I have had to be hospitalized.
3) My immune system is shit.
4) Dairy is my foe.
5) Cheese is my best friend. It’s a love / hate relationship.
6) I have been told that I have a “sit-com” family numerous times.
7) We’re pretty fucking sweet.
8) My dad likes to express his “pants-optional” rights all the time.
9) As a child, my first word was “cookie”.
10) At this very moment my favourite word is “panties”
11) It makes me giggle
12) I enjoy the occasional giggle
13) I also like the chuckle, chortle, laugh and the snoogie.
14) For those of you who don’t know what a snoogie is it is where a person laughs so hard that they involuntarily blow everything out their nose.
15) I have been playing soccer recreationally since I was 4.
16) My favourite songs have children singing the chorus.
17) I wish I could sing.
18) This doesn’t mean that I don’t sing, because I do. I just wish it didn’t embarrass the people around me.
19) The last time I got embarrassed was when my girlfriends baby sister hugged me at the dinner table and told me she loved me
20)
Than she pointed
at my earrings and called me a girl. God bless your
little heart
21) I don’t embarrass easily.
22) Although I have “fighting dreams”, I have never been in a fight.
23) In junior high I was Mr. Popular. The Head Honcho. The dude all the guys wanted to be and the guy all the girls wanted to get with.
24) In High School I was “who’s Craig? Oh, you mean that kid who wears the sweater vests? I thought he was gay.”
25) Although my brother, my best friend, and two of my favourite RR co-workers are of the “homosexual persuasion” I still love them! But not as much as I love me some sweet lady tang.
26) When I’m sick I become extremely emotional. Especially when I am watching The Maury show.
27) “Maury help. My 3 year old daughter weighs 400 pounds”. Someone pass me a tissue.
28) One thing that always gets me crying is when I see old men cry.
29) I have few good guy friends. I prefer girls to guys in every instance.
30) I’m a certified commercial AND flair bartender.
31) I once had to miss a week of school due to a bruised testicle.
32) Contrary to popular belief, “busting a nut” isn’t as fun as it sounds.
33) When I was younger I was very sensitive about my nipples.
34)
I have
HIPatitis…this
means I am terminally cool.
35) I used to wear makeup when I was younger to cover the gross acne!
36) Than I figured “why hide it? I have yet to meet one person who can resist pizza”.
37) I am a huge sap when it comes to relationships.
38) I always used to meet girls off the internet.
39) And that didn’t always turn out the way I would have liked it to.
40) When most girls become my “ex girlfriend” they turn to food. I don’t know why. They just do.
41) My last one turned to heroine and crack.
42) 3 words I shudder at the sound of: turn and cough. If you’re a 60-year-old Russian doctor, could you please warm your hands up first?
43) I played the trumpet for 3 years.
44) I used my mouth pieces for bowls in home made bongs.
45) I smoked weed for 3 years.
46) I just recently quit.
47) The first time I had sex was 10 days before my 16th birthday.
48) I was glorious.
49) I have had only 3 sexual partners.
50) One of them could possibly outweigh the other two combined.
51) I know. I know. I’m the man.
52) Was it hot and heavy? No. It was just heavy.
53) I was on top.
54) And than behind
55) I obviously don’t know when I have given too much information.
56) I love telling stories.
57) I can make almost anybody laugh.
58) I’m easily insulted when people don’t laugh at my jokes.
59) I never received any money for a baby tooth when I was younger.
60) This was due to…me swallowing all of them.
61) When I was 8 my brother dared me to kiss a toy I found on the street. I did it. He convinced me I had an AIDS like disease called “Eplurbis Emunis”.
62) I cried for days.
63) My brother was a douche bag to me when I was younger.
64) But now I’m bigger and can give some mean nipple twisters.
65) And if you know my brother…you know he has some mean nipples to be twisted.
66) 66? Put a 0 in between the 6’s and that’s my house number!
67) I am half Italian and half Irish.
68) Lambertus is a German name.
69) Craig is a surname and Lambertus is a first name.
70) The first song I EVER remember learning was not some children’s song. It was “Ironic” by Allanis Morrisette.
71) Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?
72) If you don’t know that song than #71 was totally wasted on you.
73) I have a deep hatred for Red Robin.
74) Although I love most of the people there…I loathe each and every work day.
75) I have won many online freestyling tournaments.
76) I know I’m a huge knob. I make me smile.
77) 77? Put a 0 between the 7’s and minus 101 and that’s my house number again!
78) My girlfriend thinks I’m the funny one in the relationship. I beg to differ.
79) I’m a shopaholic.
80) Little tid-bit of information: It is impossible to lick your elbow.
81) I have lived in the same 3bedroom apartment my whole life.
82) I’m 18 and I don’t have my learners.
83) I’m struggling to think of more things to say.
84) I have always been a mouthy kid.
85) My mother says I have a lovely disposition and when I grow up I’m going to be handsome.
86) So y’all can suck it.
87) When I was born I was the only Caucasian baby in the nursery.
88) I have a small scar above my eyebrow from when I hit the TV stand when I first began learning to walk.
89) I will purposely tell embarrassing stories about myself or family to get a laugh.
90) I might poke fun at other people but I never demean.
91) You totally tried to lick your elbow didn’t you?
92) Growing up I had 3 friends. One Indian (Santhosh), one Jewish (Ilan), one Polish (Adam…ex busser Adam haha)
93) We called ourselves I-SAC
94) I am currently dating my lifelong (well 3 and a half years) crush.
95) It’s a good feeling…but I have a terrible relationship track record
96) I used to be ADDICTED to porn
97) I am very well mannered, well spoken and polite.
98) If I met your parents or any of your female family members, I could make them love me.
99) 99? Gretzky’s number. Gretzky played hockey. I hate hockey.
100) When I’m up I can’t get down. Can’t get down. Can’t get labelled.
101)
102) I go on GBS binges.
103) I want as many kids as I can support.
104) I love kids. Especially when they tell me I look like a girl with my earrings. Oh Charlotte, your mommy doesn’t love you.
105) I love trying to solve personal problems for friends and give advice
106) When it comes to me… I have no idea what I am doing.
107) I was always afraid to get called to write on the board when I was in school.
108) This was due to my never-ending erection.
109) My friend’s dog had to be neutered because it tried to have sex with me one too many times.
110) That dog holds great contempt for me now.
111) Hell hath no fury like a golden retriever scorned.
112) My dad taught me to swim by tossing me in a pool.
113) Need a bra undone? With one hand? And fast? I’m you’re man.
114) Need to talk about chronic masturbation? That’s Nate’s section of expertise.
115) I would love to be a stand up comic. Only I don’t think I’m funny enough and I loathe standing.
116) I wish I had mono. Than I would have an excuse for my laziness and occasional bitchiness.
117) I’m pretty sure people are starting to question my PMS excuse.
118) If I had boobs my days would be filled with running through sprinklers
119) – 30 outside? Shut up. Get the hose!
120) The Blue Ribbon Burger tastes like it was cooked in someone’s colon.
121) POGS were righteous.
122) For the last time I’m not skinny! I’m “ribbed for your pleasure”.
123) That metaphorical ‘line’ of moral boundaries? Yeah that doesn’t exist to me.
124) Poo humour is funny.
125) I’m the kid that always takes things way too far.
126) Tsunamis are Tsilly.
127) In high school I had a new “crush” every week.
128) Come to think of it…the same goes for work.
129) Randy makes me randy.
130) Ew.
131) I miss my braces.
132) I was told I was supposed to have them for 2 years.
133) I had them for a month.
134) It was a good place to keep pieces of popcorn and bread.
135) With my “pizza face” it looked like I was going for a “stuffed crust” effect.
136) Yeah I was hot.
137) If “nice guys” finish last…fuck the race. I’ll be in the beer tent with the “bad boy’s” girlfriends getting hammered. ;)
138)
Ever
get so drunk off of absinth and tequila
you threw up all over an old nunnery in
139) I have.
140) If you see me in hell, give me a wave.
141) My idols? Dane Cook (comedian), Stephen Lynch (comedian), and Conan O’Brien (the man).
142) Just so nothing is expected of me I practice mediocrity.
143) I’m a pushover a lot of the time.
144) I still sleep with the baby blanket I was given when I was born
145) I was premature… but that doesn’t bother me. I hear it happens to a lot of guys.
146) If you get this joke. Good for you. If you don’t than I guess it is more pathetic than it is funny.
147) Everyone should add me to msn unsigned_hype_@hotmail.com
148) Favourite word that sounds dirty but isn’t? “Uvula”.
149) 149?! Well, well, well. Aren’t I the overachieving douche bag?
150) Take it sleazy.